Here's that heartfelt-ish entry.

I guess I was just waiting to see if the whole "graduating high school" thing was going to hit me.  In some ways, it has.  After sifting through picture accounts and Facebooks and cliche Xanga entries, I can't help but think that maybe I didn't make the most of things, that the past four years have been nothing but a complete waste of the little time and energy I’ve put into them.  I don’t think a day has gone past since I first set foot in Stuyvesant that I haven’t thought what my life would be like if I had done things differently, if the previous day had gone in a slightly different direction, if I had said or done certain things and taken others back.  Dwelling in the past has always been my first major weakness.  My second is not having the courage to do otherwise, not taking the initiative to change something that I actually have control over. 

When you’re stuck in a corner like that, it’s easy to watch four years just pass by – four years of missed opportunities, missed friendships, missed everything.  The thing is, when it really comes down to what I would’ve done otherwise, I don’t know what to think.  Maybe having a 98% average and a 2400 SAT and extracurriculars to fill up every second of my free time would have gotten me into an Ivy League.  Or maybe being on the lower end of mediocre and ending up at a public college will teach me a lifetime of lessons that Harvard and Princeton could only hope to live up to.  Then again, I could’ve done the latter anywhere else, and not gone through half the bullshit I had to at Stuy.

I don’t know what it was, but tonight, I suddenly had a weird moment of clarity in which I actually thought to myself, “Is it really over?” – a moment that I’m sure a lot of other people have had before.  For many of you, it probably isn’t.  Apparently, it’s only just begun.

For me, it is.  It’s over.  It’s dead and gone.

I want to take this time to thank everyone who’s been there for me through the good and bad, everyone’s who’s brought me to where I am, and especially thank the few of you who will continue to be there for me in the future.  But in all honesty, for the most part, Stuyvesant High School is four years of my life that I’d rather forget.

Coincidentally, this also marks the closing of my Xanga (for entry purposes, that is.  I’ll still use it for commenting on other Xangas.)  It’s been the diary of my life since sophomore year, and looking back on it only brings up memories I’d rather forget.  Maybe I’ll get a new one, maybe I won’t.  If you matter to me, you’ll be the first to know. :)

Have a great summer, college, and life, ladies and gentlemen.